Zombies. The name conjurs up images of frightful undead shambling across the landscape, preying on the living with a thirst for brains that will not be slaked. This article will show why zombies are a thing not to be feared, but merely understood.


Zombies kick ass. They can flex muscles they no longer have, as evidenced by this decapitated head biting some asshole's finger. Decapitated zombie heads can also talk, even when their throats have been badly damaged by the severing, and they have no lungs to force air over their vocal cords that have probably rotted away. Sweet!

A person can become a zombie in one of three ways. The first way is to be reanimated as a zombie by a voodoo priest. This is the lamest possible way that you can do this. First off, you have to already be dead for this to work. If you're badass enough, well, that's just not going to happen. Second, zombies produced in this way aren't good for much. They are mindless and can only follow simple commands from their zombie master. What's the fun in that? If I were the undead, I would not want to be some lame butler or some such. If you think about it, being dead would actually be kind of fun, once you get over the smell. But anyway, life is also very dull for one of these zombies. They must eat to "live", and the only thing they can eat is boiled vegetables. Any meat, or salt, or seasoning of any kind snaps them out of their trance, and they will run screaming like a bitch off to a field somewhere and claw a grave out of the dirt with their own hands and crawl into it and die. Not cool. If I screamed like a little girl because of something lame like realizing I was dead, I'd deserve whatever I got.

The second way a person might become a zombie is by being exposed to some chemical/radiation. This is slightly less lame than being raised by a zombie overlord, but not much. It usually requires some level of blundering. This might involve opening a barrel that says, "Do Not Open!", playing in a puddle of glowing goo, or eating after someone who happens to be a zombie. It is possible to have already died and become a zombie in this manner at a later time, which would bite, let me tell you. For one thing your immortal soul might be enjoying its just rewards in the kingdom of god, drinking from a river of wine and being waited on hand and foot by beautiful babes for all eternity. That is until you get ripped from the land of bliss without end and shoved into a hunk of rotten meat and sent to fester and ooze across the land of the living. Can you imagine the bad breath on a zombie? I didn't think so.


It's probably not that important.



The last way you can become a zombie is to be bitten by another zombie. This involves some level of badassness, because if you've been bitten, chances are you were doing battle with a zombie at the time. Of course zombies are the shuffling undead, and if you got bit you probably have the reflexes and testes of a twelve year old little girl who got run over by a car and can't move her limbs or pee on her own. But still, when your animated corpse finally gets killed off by someone more badass than you were in life, your soul will find a place in Valhalla for having fallen in battle, and that's something anybody can respect.


Who wouldn't want to live with Thor?

In most modern zombie scenarios the goal is to kill or destroy the zombie "threat". But what most fail to realise is that zombies may offer the key to perpetual motion and a neverending power source.

To understand this one must first realize that zombies break several biological and physical laws. Some zombies apparently don't require sustenance to survive, or rather to continue to exist in their undead state. "But Wallydraigle, zombies eat brains and stuff!" That's true, but this is apparently not necessary for zombie survival. In all my years of watching zombie documentaries (AKA "horror movies") I've never seen a zombie starve to death because he can't get any brains. This is in part due to the ready availability of 18-29 year old brains, and partly due to the fact that zombies are already dead, and cannot die. They don't have a heartbeat, so no circulation either. Any brains they do eat just end up sitting in their rotten stomachs until they are pushed through their fetid bowels by the eating of subsequent brains. Do zombies poo? I don't know. Maybe if they eat too many brains they just pop like a sea gull that eats Alka-Seltzer. That would suck, but if you're already dead I guess it wouldn't matter anyway. Zombies eat brains because they like to. That's just what they do. It's their only joy in existence. If zombies didn't run around eating brains all night then they would just be pointless and no one would make movies about them anyway.

So onto the perpetual energy chambers. Apparently all that is needed is to round up a bunch of zombies, throw them into a sealed chamber from which they cannot escape, with a really big treadmill as a floor. Place brains at the far end of the chamber, and the zombies run (shuffle? shamble? They "move" in some manner) forever towards the brains, which they can never ever get to, and so they continue to chase them for all time, all the while producing electricity from the generators attached to the giant treadmills. Of course it would be necessary to add more brains as the old ones rot away or they would stop running and it wouldn't work.

Maintenance on such a system would be a bitch. If one ever broke down it would probably be better to abandon it and start over in another site with fresh zombies, but of course there's still a lot of research to be done.

So we see that zombies aren't loathsome and disgusting, but helpful and friendly. Mankind has a lot to gain by welcoming our zombie neighbors!


Zombies are people too.

All praise the Triad, and our zombie friends!