As hard as we as a society try to deny it, suicide is inherently funny. It's like owning yourself by spilling gravy all over your crotch in front of all your friends and family, except instead of spilling gravy you're actually killing yourself. Also you don't have to clean anything up because you're dead. Kickass!

But seriously, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, there's no reason you can't have fun doing it, and give those who have to scrape up your earthly remains into a bag one last laugh. In fact, killing yourself just to mess with someone's head is one of the most badass things you can do.

I think an awesome way to put yourself down would be to stuff a shaped charge of C4 under your hat, and walk up to some random person on the street, and blow it, sending a halo of groad outward in all directions and coating the person in a chunky red mist. God that would rock! Observe...


Sweet Jesus that kicks so much ass! She totally did not see that coming. She got served!

Of course there are other variations of this one that you can try. Another cool one that I can think of would involve working firecrackers up into the small airways behind the eyes and lighting them while riding the bus, or while sitting at a coffee shop. Someone will ask if you're alright, which is stupid because, well, your fucking eyes just flew out of your head. When they do, break out into a fit of uncontrolled laughter, until the dumb dick gets an idea of how big a jackass he is for asking. You won't have long though because unless the small explosions cauterized some blood vessels you'll probably bleed out pretty quick.

A cool way to kill yourself without explosions would be to take the family on an outing to the zoo, and without a word, leap over the fence and into the aligator pit. Your family will admire your spontaneity, and they'll laugh their asses off at your Steve Irwin voice as the gators dismember you and eat your limbs. Good times!

If you're not cool enough to die in awesome ways, at least you can be found in awesome ways. I think it would be cool to leave clues and have your kids look for your purple bloated corpse scavenger hunt style. Imagine the look on their little faces when they find you! Now there's a Kodak moment. That alone would be worth it. You can also leave a note telling them what rotten little assholes they are and how they drove you to it. I'm sure they'll get the joke. Kids love jokes.


God, those are some shitty swings.

You would have a hard time topping these kickass ideas, but I know you're just dying to try. Man, that's wicked funny!

All praise the Triad!