Television is an ever expanding wasteland of lameness, bereft of badassery. One hundred channels swell into five hundred, and there's still nothing worth watching. Or is there?

You've probably heard of the Comedy Central program South Park. You might have even watched it a few times, but you've probably never considered using it as a model for your own life. Well, maybe you should. Here's why:


Eric Cartman, badass mofo.

Eric Cartman, one of the main characters on South Park, is only eight years old. Yet, despite this, if he were real, he would be one of the most badass people ever. He might even be almost badass enough to be one of the Triad, but I don't know. He bought his own amusement park just to keep people out of it. One of his best friends is Jewish, yet he dressed up as Hitler for Halloween. He even made another kid eat his parents over a $16.12 dispute. He doesn't take shit from anyone. What a badass!

A program portraying such a badass must be badass itself, and South Park doesn't disappoint. It takes on the tough issues, without fear of offending anyone. Episode #502, "It Hits the Fan", inludes the word "shit" 162 times. Episode #210, "Chickenpox" shows a prostitute purposefully giving people herpes for money. Episode #708, "South Park is Gay" shows the wacky antics that ensue when the entire town turns metrosexual. Each show pokes fun at at least one national, ethnic, or religious group, which is the true mark of badassery.

Do not dishonor yourself by missing a single episode!