Midget is so offensive.

Today I was just sitting here, contemplating which asses need the most kicking, and being a general badass, when suddenly it struck me just how offensive midget is. One time I was at the store, probably buying brass knuckles or liquor, and I saw these two kids teasing what appeared to be a very small person. They kept yelling, "Midget! Midget!" and I think it started to cry. It was awful.

I mean, for the love of god, they just stand there being so short. If they're going to be that offensively short in public, they should have to perform favors on the rest of us. But instead they parade their midgetry around and try to cram it down my throat. I've had enough of it.

Lately they've gone so far as to try to convince the rest of us that they're not even midgets. Names like "dwarf" and "little person" get thrown around in an attempt to legitimize their midgetry. That doesn't change the facts though. No euphamism can change the fact that midgets have anitfreeze for blood, and bear their young in litters which emerge from pits in the backs of their necks, similar to the Surinam toad, which has given rise to the erroneous belief that midgets have amphibian ancestry. If you don't believe me I'm not terribly surprized, because the propagandists have gotten around to just about everyone by now, but if you're feeling spunky try throwing a glass of ice water down the back of a midget some time and see what happens. It's not that getting a midget wet makes it reproduce, a la Gremlins (Which would be ridiculous, it just doesn't work that way), but the young midglets don't have as much antifreeze in their blood yet and the shock from being douched with cold water makes them leap right out of their pits nine out of ten times. If it doesn't work, try a different midget. It's worth it.

By now, unless you're a freak (Or a midget), you're probably scared shitless and wondering what you can do. I'll tell you what you can do. Nothing. The average plebe is simply not prepared physically or mentally to deal with the midget scourge. Behold:


A little vodka, spread the right way, dispatches the entire midget horde.

As you can see, midgets are evil incarnate, but a little fire can wipe out hundreds of their vile spawn at once. Midgets are not to be confused with hobbits. Hobbits actually are just little people, whom we can use for tasks like cleaning out storm drains and such. If you can catch a hobbit you get to keep it, but if you catch a midget, chances are all you'll get is bit. Unfortunately, the only way to tell them apart is to throw cold water down their necks and see if they spawn, or if they look like they might spawn. If no young appear, that hobbit is yours, no matter what it says. You might have to knock it on the head a couple times to quiet it down, at first, but it will eventually get used to its new home. As of this writing, the Triad has over 23 hobbits in its service. Kickass!

Look for hobbits in pumpkin patches, but midgets like to hang out and lick from puddles in junkyards. However, if you're obese, have acne, live in a basement, or post more than twenty times a day on internet forums, you should probably leave midget hunting to someone not as lame as yourself, or you might get owned. And nobody wants to be owned by a midget.

All praise the Triad!